i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
