my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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