Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
