apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
