Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize
