My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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