I can tuck mytits in my pants
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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