I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
