K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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