booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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