My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Jerry, you need to find god
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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