I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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