I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
