No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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