i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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