I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
