I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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