he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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