Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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