So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
