I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
