I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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