I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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