i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
