i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
