Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
