stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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