Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
