I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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