I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
