just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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