My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
