you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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