i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
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Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
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I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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