So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
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I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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