if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
