pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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