There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
