wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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