3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
