The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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