When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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