By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
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my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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