I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
