my mouth tastes like poor choices
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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