I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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