i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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