I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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