If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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