just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Holy sore nipples Batman
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
