This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
