I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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