Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
