Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
