I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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