no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
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