that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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