i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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