Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
