yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have feelings that need drinking.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
