There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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